


Afterglow

by Daintylouie



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Boyfriends, Dancing, Depression?, Harry loves him anyways, I suck at tagging, M/M, Sad, Short Story, harry loves Louis, i wrote this at 3am, louis is sad, louisandharry, louis’ mind is a mess, migraines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-28 23:53:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16252361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daintylouie/pseuds/Daintylouie
Summary: Louis’ brain makes him sad but harry loves him all the same.





	1. fallin’ all in you

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this book gets really heavy and i wrote this when i was in a really awful place. i just needed to figure out what was going on in my own head.

 

 

* * *

 

It starts in the morning:

 

Harry wakes up slowly, eyes blinking rapidly to rid the blurriness of the room. It's mid-afternoon, he had taken a quick nap of course, feeling drained due to classes and projects that have deadlines way too soon. He didn't have to lift his head to know that Louis was laying next to him, wide awake and watching something on his phone. His headphones were in, draped down his stomach so they weren't tangled and in his way. He was staring blankly at the screen, not really paying attention to it. Clearly he had been zoned out for a while considering the screen was dim like it gets before it turns off. He made no attempts to play the video or turn off his phone.

 

_So it’s one of those days._

 

Harry breathes out slowly, reaching out for Louis's left hand. The older boy takes a deep breath at that, letting his eyes fall closed.

 

Harry brings the smaller hand to his lips and gives it a soft kiss against the boy’s knuckle. Still, Louis remains silent. Harry doesn’t voice any of his thoughts on it.

 

He laced their fingers together and laid in complete silence, waiting for louis to speak first.

 

* * *

 

 

Louis is _stressed_ , is the thing. He just doesn't know why. Maybe it's school, maybe it's his family or maybe it's himself.

 

His heart is heavy and so is his mind. He doesn't want to move or speak or even _breathe_. Everything is too much and not enough at the same time, and to make matters worse he has a raging headache.

 

He's in the kitchen, staring at the stove as the water for his tea boils. He starts to drift off into his mind.

 

It's dark sometimes, or most of the time, he can't really tell the difference anymore. The time and space between his episodes seeming to become shorter.

 

His head is fucking _pounding_ , relentless against his skull. His head might actually be shaking with the force of it. He closes his eyes in a wince as he rubs his temples softly. He turns off the burner, letting the water cool down as he climbs onto the couch and curls in on himself.

 

He can make the tea later.

 

* * *

 

 

It doesn't get easier.

 

It gets worse in fact. Because this time- _this time_  the chest pains start up, and it's all bullshit, honestly. He hasn't had these pains in three years so he doesn't know why they're here now.

 

He's emotional about nothing, he cried yesterday when he asked harry to get him some more tea. Just started sobbing uncontrollably when harry said, "of course, lou.”

 

_He doesn’t know why_.

 

But he wishes he did, because it hurts. It hurts so much for no reason, and it hurts even more when harry wraps him in his arms and whispers, "it's okay, lou. It's okay."

Because its not okay, none of this is fucking okay.

 

_He wishes he knew what was wrong with him_.

 

* * *

 

 

Harry caught on to Louis's episodes a couple months into dating him. They've been together for two years now, happily for the most part.

 

It took a while to understand because Louis had always pushed him away when it happened, never giving him a chance to understand it. 

 

Things started to get real when harry found himself staring at a conscious but unresponsive louis on the bathroom floor.

 

His heart had dropped. He didn't know what was going on. He was scared,  _terrified._

 

He remembers shaking like a fault line ready to just give out. Wave a white flag,  _I surrender._

 

It was hard to watch louis like that, unresponsive but awake. Physically there but mentally so far gone.

 

Harry remembers how cold the tile felt on his skin when he mimicked Louis's position on the floor. Louis was staring straight at harry but he seemed to be looking past him.

 

Harry remembers reaching out, with a trembling hand, and just _barely_ running his knuckles across Louis's skin.

 

He remember's The one tear that fell down Louis' cheek while he did this.

 

He remember's louis breaking down and telling harry everything about it. He remembered the sound of weakness in Louis's voice that broke his heart.

 

He remembers it all. Every fucking detail of it that won’t leave his mind. Every tear, every hushed sob, every plea for him not to leave.

 

* * *

 

 

It's a Sunday now.

 

A week has gone by and Louis is still in the clouds. He get's his assignments done, yeah. But other than that he's a deadweight on the couch. Harry will follow him in from class, pulling off both of their shoes and then holding louis while they take a short nap.

 

They'll wake up around two hours later, usually to louis mentioning food and harry getting up to make it. They'll stand in the kitchen, quiet save for any music that louis plays.

 

They'll eat and talk about class or about nothing at all. If it's a bad day then they'll usually eat in silence, happy to have each other. If it's a good day then Louis will offer up a subject safe to speak about.

 

It's after they eat that harry will put their dishes away and pull louis to his chest, flush against his front. He will hold him and rock him slowly, letting him know silently that,  _I love you, you’re okay._

 

Louis will nod softly, slowly and drag harry to the shower.

 

They'll stand under the spray and louis will hum while harry washes his boy's hair and decorates his sun kissed skin in soft pecks across his shoulder.

 

They'll both wish it wasn't like this but be glad that they have each other.

 

* * *

 

 

It's on Monday that louis will finally, _finally_  break down and let Harry help him.

 

They're in the kitchen, working on papers and research projects when Louis drops his pencil and starts rubbing his face. Without looking up, harry will rub his foot against Louis's ankle that's trapped between his feet under the table.

 

Louis will sniffle, barely loud enough for harry to hear but just loud enough to make him look up with a questioning glance.

 

Louis will mutter a soft, " _please, help me._ " Into his hands, his body shaking with silent cries. He doesn't know what _help_  he's asking for exactly. But, he finally lets it all out. He let's himself be so, _so vulnerable_. Harry will get up, take the two steps necessary to pull louis up out of his chair and into his arms.

 

Harry will take Louis's phone and start a song they can dance to. As odd as it is, it helps him. Louis will grip harry like he's a life line...which, he supposes he is. He wouldn't be able to do this without his other half.

 

Harry will whisper the lyrics into Louis's hair as he sways them, just barely. It's only after the song has passed and faded into another one that harry will start talking.

 

"I know that sometimes your brain get's fuzzy and everything seems like it's falling down. That you're moving too slow to keep it all from turning into a pile of shattered pieces you can never connect again, no matter how hard you try." Harry presses his forehead against Louis's, eyes still closed, bodies still swaying to the soft music flowing from Louis's cracked iPhone. It's soft and perfect, it's them.

 

"But, love.." he opens his eyes and presses soft little kisses, barely any pressure, to louis's closed eyelids. He see's the boy smile softly, sadly.

 

"I promise I will always be there to help you sweep up the pieces. We'll glue it all back together." In one final breath, such a strong sentence for such a fragile and quiet moment, he says, "You don't have to do this on your own anymore."

 

Louis will start crying as he wraps his arms so tightly around harry that it constricts his breathing. He doesn't mind, though. He'll never mind when it comes to louis.

 

Louis will whisper, " _thank you, thank you, thank you_." Into Harry's skin.

 

Harry will shake his head softly at the boy, his boy, as he whispers back, " _always_."

 

Louis know's he'll be okay. As long as he has his boy he'll be okay. He always is.


	2. Darling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry wants to know what it feels like and louis wishes he didn’t.

* * *

 

What they don’t talk about is the small details of it all. 

 

They don’t bring up the anxiety and the weird twitching that louis gets when everything is quiet and still. 

 

Maybe it’s better this way, better to let it pass rather than poke and prod at something that probably won’t ever change. 

 

It doesn’t make it hurt any less, though.

 

Because it’s nights like these where louis wishes he wasn’t alive. Everything is  _so fucking heavy._ It feels like a constant pressure building on his chest.

 

He can’t fucking breathe, is the thing. 

 

He’s not sure he even wants to at this point.

 

He's so tired of fighting it, so tired of trying to push it away only for it to come back. It's consuming him, really.

 

He feels bad. He feels  _heartbroken_ for harry. Because he can’t have a normal boyfriend,  _no,_ he ended up with a broken and dysfunctional one.

 

He says that he doesn't mind, that he wants to know all the ways that he can help, that he's always going to be here.

 

Louis doesn't think so.

 

Maybe it's the insecurities talking or maybe it's the fact that he can see the slight look in Harry's eyes when he sees him laying there on the bed, staring at the wall.

 

He wants it to go away so badly, his whole body is just aching with this  _need_ to be okay, to be full again. But the thing is, he hasn’t been full in so long. It’s stripping him away, in bits and pieces. 

 

He's starting to forget what it's like to not have this constant worry and sadness and anger weighing over him. It feels like there's a storm cloud hanging over his head, lighting going off and thunder booming.

 

Harry finally opens his mouth about it when they're layzing out in the living room one weekend. It's been silent for a while, the tension has had room to build, almost ready to just _snap_.

 

It started raining outside, thunder not quiet loud enough to shake the house but just enough to make you feel it in your bones.

 

He was on the couch, swaddled in blankets and fuzzy socks that matched his sweats. His eyes felt heavy, opening and closing every so often. The sound of harry rhythmically tapping his bare foot on the hardwood floor and the soft sound of pages turning seemed to make his brain slow for a while.

 

Suddenly the tapping stops, louis tilts his head towards harry, just enough to see the boy staring back at louis with a concerned and curious gaze.  He sets his book down and reaches out to hold onto louis' ankle.

 

Louis huffs at that, the blankets begin pushed up and exposing his warm skin.  He stares straight ahead, not really sure what Harry's motive is.

 

"I need," he starts. Louis' eyes snap towards him. They haven't spoken in well over an hour, neither have moved unless it was to use the bathroom. But, even then they were still willing to wait till the last second, not wanting to break the cozy atmosphere they built for themselves. "I need you to explain this to me, lou. Please."

 

Louis’ eyebrows furrow, because,  _what?_

 

Harry moves to sit next to him just as Louis pulls himself into a sitting position, still wrapped in blankets. Harry's hand is still gently wrapped around louis' ankle, he's smiling sadly.

 

"Whad'ya mean?" His words are gentle, not much effort being put into talking now.

 

"What does it feel like?"

 

"Harry I-"

 

"No, louis. Please," he begs. _He fucking begs_. "Please, in any way that you can, try and explain it to me. Even if it ends up being a bunch of words jumbled into a sentence that won't entirely make sense to either of us, I need you to try."

 

And at that, at that louis starts.

 

"Why do you need to know so badly? How is this going to benefit you?"

 

Harry frowns. "Sun, I-" he pauses, taking a deep breath and trying to push back the tears that are starting to fill his eyes. "I need to know what it's like for you, I can't stand to see you in pain. Can you please explain to me?" His grip on louis' ankle tightens slightly, still loose enough that he could move if he wants. He stays still.

 

"Come with me." Louis gets up, not waiting on harry, and goes to the bedroom. He bypasses turning on the lights and stands at his side of the bed. Harry is standing in the doorway, a look of confusion and sadness settles across his face. He reaches for the lights but louis shakes his head.

 

Thunder sounds from outside, the rain picking up slightly. Good to know the universe is feeling as shitty as he is.

 

Maybe there's a metaphor in there somewhere, he's got storm clouds blooming in his chest and thunder in his mind.  _So fucking heavy._

 

"What do you need me to do, lou?"

 

Apparently Harry had moved from the doorway to right next to him, he didn't notice until he felt the soft trace of fingertips sliding over his arm. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing the tears to settle somewhere that wasn't his eyes.

 

"I uh, can you get on the bed? Lay on your back, arms to your sides."

 

Harry moved without question. Louis looked around the room, the sky was cloudy enough that it left the room in this hazy sort of grey color. _Smoke_. Everything looked like shadows, which seems pretty fitting when that's all that louis has been fighting for the past six months.

 

He moves up on the bed so he's now straddling harry. Harry doesn't blink, his hands moving inward slightly so he can rub at louis' ankles.

 

"Do you trust me?"

 

Without missing a beat, "of course." Harry mutters. Confusion covering his face.

 

"Okay, close your eyes." Harry closes his eyes.

 

"I'm not going to do it for long but stop me at any Time," he pauses, swallowing a sob that's crawling in his throat. "I don't want to hurt you."

 

Harry actually  _whimpers,_ at that.

 

The first tear falls when he moves his hands to the center of Harry's chest, both hands resting under his collar bones. He can feel Harry's heartbeat jackrabbiting under his right hand. He leans down and kisses his nose softly, a single tear falling off of his face and sliding down Harry's cheek.

 

He starts applying a light pressure on his chest, he can feel harry go stiff under him. He's not pushing hard enough to make it impossible to breathe, but just hard enough that he feels a dull ache with it.

 

He's staring intently at Harry's face, his eyebrows are furrowed and lips twitched down into a frown.

 

"Now think of anything and everything that could go wrong in this moment." He pushes more, harry grunts slightly, his breath becoming ragged.

 

"Now think of what it would be like if you just let everything go, if you could just leave. If you could just let the world swallow you whole. What it would feel like to drown." He eases up on Harry's chest, letting him breathe normally again. But before harry can move, louis lays his full weight on harry, wrapping his arms around his neck and tucking his ankles under Harry's legs.

 

"That's all it is, Feels a lot like drowning. You have this constant weight on your chest and this pinch in your heart. Your mind jumps from nothing to everything in one second. The headaches make you feel like someone is taking a hammer to your skull," harry winces, wrapping his arms around louis. "You feel weightless and weighed down at the same time. I still don't know how that can be, really. And it's like you see everything through a fog, everything is just so _fucking grey_. No matter how hard you try it won't fucking go away. You feel paralyzed most days, your body feels like it weighs 100 pounds. It's fucking sick, haz. I'm sorry that you have someone who's broken and not someone who's perfect I-" he chokes on a sob.

 

Harry squeezes him tighter, pulling louis to sit up in his arms, trying to touch him anywhere and everywhere.

 

"God, _lou_ , no. You're fucking perfect, absolutely perfect." He pulls back, leaning his forehead against Louis'. They're nose to nose, heart to heart. "I'm so fucking sorry that you feel like you're alone through this, and I'm so sorry that I can't take it away. I would in a heartbeat, love. If I had the chance I would take all the pain away, all the sad days and all the weight. I would suffer through it if it meant you got to be happy and free." He only sobs harder.

 

"I just don't want you to be stuck with someone that you don't want to be with." He whines, his body shaking with his sobs. He buries his face in Harry's neck, which is covered in tears and a little snot.

 

"I'm not _stuck_  with you, lou. I think we're both stuck in a shitty situation that we can work around. You're not damaged or broken, far from it really."

 

Louis squeezes him. Heart to heart, chest to chest.

 

"Your mind is a bit of a mess, but I love you all the same, darling." Harry whispers into his hair.

 

And for the first time in a while, louis can breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that’s all xxx
> 
>  
> 
> twitter: @ursincerelylwt

**Author's Note:**

> thoughts?


End file.
